Dear Mother-in-Law

****On Thursday, June 14, 2012, our family lost its heartbeat.  After battling a two year courageous battle with cancer, my mother-in-law's fight ended.  I so greatly admired her.  I wish I had a chance to tell her.  So, I just wrote a letter to her, and I just want to believe that some way, somehow, she is looking over my shoulder seeing this.  I need this belief!*****

My dear Mama Leigh,

When Justin barely could walk or talk, you came into his life like an angel sent from above to be his mother.  With each fever, each first day of school, each booboo that needed a band aid, you were there.  With the struggles faced during the teenage years, first day of high school, prom, and graduation you were there.  With each time he needed advice and guidance into the right direction, you were there.  With each time he wanted to take toys apart you were there more than likely shaking your head and saying “Justin! Justin!” Turns out, you had to do a lot of head shaking into his adult years J But, there was never a doubt how proud you always were of your son. You defined motherhood. You helped bring him back during his car accident, never ONCE giving up on him…making sure he had another chance to live.  You always said you were scared at that time and always have that fear and you can’t help but to baby him.  I never understood at that time, thinking to myself he is a man, not a baby or someone laying in a coma.  But, in time I learned to understand because Justin always was and always will be your baby boy.  Then I think of the wedding day and how proud you looked as we took our vows.  I remember the day we told you and Cecil that we were pregnant with Kaden which was on your wedding anniversary.  You had such excitement and joy!  And the day Kaden was born, you were by my side as if I was a daughter to you, stroking my hair and telling me and Justin how proud you were.  And just looking at your own son with such pride and joy! Then with Kody, I remember being so scared to tell you that we were going to have another baby.  I still don’t understand why I worried so much, but you were thrilled.  I giggled when you hoped for a granddaughter but was still just as excited with another grandson.  And once again you were there for the birth of Kody…doing the same as you did with Kaden.  I remember how proudly you spoke of Justin when you saw him carry Kody out to the waiting room and how much you were upset you forgot your camera.  But, the image I have in my head is a beautiful image of a mom watching her son carry his son.

My heart, however, is so full of regret.  In-laws commonly have their differences, but I know there were so many times I was just a, well, a bitch when you were just being a mom and trying to get me understand that you were looking out for Justin.  And turns out for me as well.  I still feel like the way I was so many times, although we always worked out, that I don't deserve to be sad.  I feel like I don't deserve to feel this empty spot in my heart.  The past two years were amazing and memorable between us, but it should have been ten years of amazing and wonderful.  Justin and so many say that you knew I loved you.  That I thought of you as my second mama.  Still, just wish had that one more day to tell you.  Instead, I make a silent vow that I will watch over your son.  I will handle his heart with care because I know how fragile he can be.  With each klutzy move, I will be sure to shake my head and smile :) I will wipe away his tears and hold him close.  I would like to say to please don't worry, but as a mother the worrying just comes with it all.  Something else I should have said to you.

Leigh, you were an angel who graced the lives of many.  You had incredible strength, independence, beauty, a sense of humor, and most of all patience.  From the stories you told me about Justin and Valarie growing up, I so greatly admire your patience and strength.  Your spirit is living within both your children as well as all three of your grandchildren.  An angel that graced the lives of many, taken so soon, but is now an angel looking down on us with an expression of pride and joy.

Another Door Opens

I do believe the job offer has fallen through.  At first, I was upset and then realized it is actually for the best.  It could still come through.  It could not.  Right now, it is just all up in the air so I am just going to move forward.  We still have our fun family trips planned out, and they are going to be memorable and exciting.

One door closed yet another one is going to open.  I have reapplied to the local college as well as looking into another college which has mostly online classes.  I still have every intention to pursue a degree in Business Administration, and may go as far as getting a Bachelor's Degree. For now, going to focus on the Associates Degree and then go from there.  And, much to my surprise, my husband is completely on board with this.  It is still amazing how much his attitude has changed for the better in the past few years......long story.

This week has been highly stressful, and there were times I just wanted to shut down and get away from the world.  However, that is never the answer or the solution so must keep going and keep pushing forward.  It may be hard, but I have been through harder times.  And so I enter the door to see where it may lead me.

Random Thoughts

Let's get to it!

1.  Okay, I admit that I am a Food Network junky.  I love Chopped, Cupcake Wars, Paula Dean (don't think I spelled her last name right), etc.  One of my favorites used to be 30 Minute Meals with Rachael Ray, however, I am rather disappointed in her show.  I watched a rerun this morning that made me want to jump through the tv and give her a happy pill!  Not a single smile, and if she did smile then it looked force.  I recall she used to be so upbeat!  It appeared as though she was worn out and just did not enjoy doing the show.  Perhaps it will pass.

2.  HGTV--Property Brothers....so cruel how they tease the house hunters at the begining with a lavish house!  At least the people that are house hunting have a sense of humor.  Yet they want to keep their minds closed at the fixer uppers.  If you have the budget and can especially get that house well below budget with room to remodel then GO FOR IT!!  Biggest mistake for us is having a home with little budge to renovate.  Speaking of house hunters, I love watching House Hunters.  Gives me ideas when we finally get the money to move and what to look for.  I know, I can use any extra money to go towards this house, but it is impossible being a family of 4 in a 2 bedroom, 1 bath home and in a neighborhood we really want to get away from.  

3.  School is out for summer!  I got offered a job!  A family trip to Legoland Discovery is in the works plus not long after that--back to Galveston!  We will be busy and it will be great!  Look forward to sharing our adventures :)

Okay, Not Quite 365

Well, since I am not meeting the one post a day for a year, I guess I should change the name of the blog!  Believe me, I still enjoy blogging, but the past few days it has been struggle.  Last week, I must have been extremely bored because I switched rooms.  That took nearly a full week!  The boys got our room and we took their room.  Oh the joys of a 2 bedroom house!  The rooms are not much difference in size so it is working, and I am quite happy with the outcome.

After that was done, had to tackle the basic cleaning on the house since I got so wrapped up in the room switching.  I pray I never get bored, again, and I say that with a smile.  It just got to the point that I could barely keep my eyes open long enough to blog by the time evening rolled around.

During the chaos, I got a very wonderful phone call!  Had a phone interview and was also asked to come to a group interview.  I'm nervous, excited, hopeful, and at the same time trying to stay level headed about it all.  This is a job I have been wanting for so long, and I am praying so hard that I get it!  It means so many more positives changes for not only myself but for my family as well.  Only a little over 24 hours to go until the interview!

I suppose I am going to finish making over this blog (thanks to my friend Crystal who got me motivated lol) and change the name.

WWTK WEDNESDAY 2

WWTK Wednesday is brought to you by Mamarazzi and CrazyMama
{1} Tell us about your job/daily routine......It is simple actually---provided it is not a day where I decide to switch rooms like I did this week.  I get up around 6:45 am, check emails, and then get the boys up for school.  Give them breakfast, take them to school, and come home. Just a few minutes to relax and if there is cleaning then I do it after having myself some breakfast.  My youngest gets out of school before his brother so get him then home to finish whatever needs finishing.  Once my oldest gets home, they have a snack and then it is homework time.  Well, sometimes dinner then homework..just depends.  We all talk about our day and will sometimes play the Wii or watch tv together.  The boys love to color and draw so they always do that.  Just a simple life.
{2} What is your favorite place in your home to relax? (bonus points for a pic) In bed watching tv.  Also, at my desk.
{3} Summer cool treat...popsicle or icecream? Chocolate chip ice cream---especially during really hot days.
{4} Be sweet to yourself, list 3 things you LIKE about YOU!I believe that family comes first, I am pretty good at photography, and I always manage to make my family happy.
{5} If someone saw my __________ I would likely die of embarrassment! My house!  Since Monday, I have been switching out bedrooms.  We also got a new desk and shelves from friends of ours so the living room was also a disaster.  Finally, got the rooms very close to being done and the living room is looking so much better.  Still, it just is not a clean house and it is driving me nuts!  Had to take a break!

Memorable Monday 2

Time for another Monday of memories.  I think I have stared at the screen for about 10 minutes wondering if the part of the brain that holds memories was even working.  Then it finally clicked!  The first memory that came to mind!

At the beginning of our marriage, Justin and I were a little adventurous.  We would took spur of the moment trips to the casinos in Shreveport which is an hour from where we live.  But, that is not the memory.  One Saturday, we were both bored.  This was before we had kids, of course.  Our friends were busy doing other things and we were not in the mood for Shreveport.  We wanted to go for a drive.

Two hour drive was the limit so we first thought about Dallas then decided against it.  We sat in the car for a good fifteen minutes before making up our mind.  Living in east Texas, there are miles and miles of country roads and beautiful scenery.  This was during Spring so everything was green and the flowers were blooming. The day was bright and clear with a beautiful blue sky.  We headed out with the windows roll down and blaring the radio, singing out of tune to our favorite songs.

Our destination...the Texas-Oklahoma border!  In other words, a land of nothing!  Just drive there and back. The only money we had was for gas in the car.  We packed sandwiches, chips, and drinks thinking we might have a picnic somewhere.  The excitement of our first two hour road trip as a married couple clouded any hunger we may have had.

We arrived at the border and pulled to the side of the road.  For only a few minutes, we just looked around.  It was peaceful and hardly any traffic.  As the sun was setting, the temps got cooler and I remember Justin just having his arms around me and holding me close to keep me warm.  Newlyweds still on cloud nine at the border of Texas and Oklahoma without a care in the world.

On the way back home, we almost got lost, but managed to find our way.  After that, we managed to get a couple other getaways before our first child was born.  Now, we just take adventures with our two boys making new memories.

My Version of Paradise

The sounds of the waves, beaches that stretch for miles and miles, and delicious local food.  Sounds like paradise, right?  A sweet, tropical getaway may the first that comes to mind.  In reality, the place I am talking about is actually not considered a tropical paradise.  It is a city on the Texas coast.  For those who love the blue waters and white sandy beaches, they may not be able to see the beauty in this place.  However, I can and it is where my heart longs to be.

  

The place I am talking about is Galveston, Texas....a city that has managed to recover quite well from Hurricane Ike.  It is a city that has such a tremendous historical feel to it.  The beaches, I admit, are not the most perfect due to seaweed, but I have seen workers each morning try their hardest to clean them up.  The water is great and even during Spring break with the rain, drizzle, and temps in the 60s it felt so mild and pleasant.  The Seawall stretches for miles.  Just driving down it with the windows down, hearing the waves, is so relaxing.  And, of course, the Port Bolivar Ferry which is FREE!  We must have went on it about five times.  Watching the cruise ships leave out and all the carriers to the dolphins swimming along the ferry was a memorable experience.  I'm not sure how far the road goes once arriving in Port Bolivar.  I do know we drove about 10 miles in before turning around to head back.  A perfect country side drive!

The food!  Oh my the food was fantastic!  We do not have any tasty local places to eat here.  When I say local, I mean restaurants that are not chains.  Galveston had The Sunflower Bakery & Cafe where we ate for breakfast.  Reasonable prices and the most yummy food.  Even our boys were able to eat their pancakes which were a good size as well.  I highly recommend the omelets were filling yet light.  Fluffy texture with cheese perfectly melted.  My husband and I each had the ham, cheese, onion, bell pepper, and tomato omelet.  The tastes blended perfectly together.  Staff was friendly and quick.  Not like most places who usually seem tired of tourists.  

Another great place is Shrimp N Stuff where I discovered I LOVE popcorn shrimp po boys.  And my husband who is difficult to have a satisfied appetite even was pleasantly full after his catfish sandwich.  My boys said the chicken strips are the best they have ever ate.  I hate to say, but the workers were not the friendliest.  I was able to overlook it since the food left me craving for more.  

For a nice treat, La King Confectionery located on historical The Strand.  So much candy and treats to choose from!  They make their own salt water taffey which I am missing so much.  Many flavors to choose from as well.  I'm guilty of finishing them off within two days of returning home.  I apologize I have no pictures from Shrimp N Stuff and La King---I was too eager for the food and candy :) 

Galveston may not be some tropical paradise to some.  The Gulf may not be considered an ocean to others.  But, the memories of my boys laughing and splashing in the water.  The time we had as a family for 4 days while going to the beach, eating out, and seeing museums (that will be another post) was paradise enough for me.  My heart is still there and we are ready for a trip in June, no matter what!

I Confess...Friday

Today's post Friday Confessional is hosted by CrazyMama and Mamarazzi
I confess....
I am completely exhausted after today!  Doing all I can to focus and blog so I can stay committed to blog post a day.  Today was Fun Day for my oldest son and all the 2nd graders at the park.  Camera stalking him and his friends in 86 degree weather that felt more like in the 90s (I despise warmth lol) took a toll!  Plus, do not have the horrid hot dogs from Sonic!  How I am not in bed, I do not know---oh yes I do because I am too hooked on blogging!
I confess....
When I vent, I will vent on the same subject for a while until it is out of my system!  I would vent about something right now, but it is pretty much out of my system.  
I confess...
My brain is tired.  I cannot think of anything else to say.  So, have a good night and pleasant dreams!

Through My Eyes Thursday--The Path

Each Thursday, I will feature a photo that I have taken.  No, I am not trying to promote a business of any sort.  It is just nice to be able to share photos of nature, family, or just things.  

I call this one "The Path".  I feel "The Path to Dreams" is just too much because I like to keep it simple.  I want the person to see the photo and take in the dreamy and enchanted effect.  The path winds between trees, fading in the distance as if it could go on forever.  A bench provides a resting spot to take in the warmth of a Spring day.  

This photo can be symbolic of anything you please.  Maybe it symbolizes a path towards goals you desire to reach?  Maybe it is a path that just seems to go on as life does despite the sharp, sudden curves?   

Use your imagination...take it in.  Really open your eyes, mind, and heart!  Do you feel it is symbolic to you?

My First Ever WWTK Wednesday

Today's blog post topic WWTK Wednesday is brought to you by these fantastic hosts Mamarazzi and CrazyMama

The topic for this week is all about that special friend(s) in your life.  I know she is expecting me to do this because she does know me better than most.  Crystal has an amazing blog and an amazing personality that shines through.  We have been Sis C and Sis K for, well, years....we are trying to remember when we exactly met.  And she is supposed to have the better memory!!

{1}I have found myself jealous/envious of this friend because... I tend to avoid being envious, but when it comes to Crystal I admit I am.  She is able to balance home schooling, college, family life, and housework.  She makes these incredible dinners that she just loves to torment me with through pictures.  I so wish I could cook like she does!

{2}I admire this one for her _________ (insert admirable quality) and tell us about them. 

Her intelligence, parenting skills, patience (yes, Crystal, you are more patient than you may ever realize), and her sometimes off the wall wit.  In many ways, she reminds me of one of my own sisters.  Despite how much negative may hit her at once, she still will find a way to remain focused and optimistic.

{3}I really love this blog friend because...

She knows all sides of me and is still willing to be like a sister to me.  She has seen me through my darkest times.  Not once did she ever judge me even though there were plenty of times I know she could have so easily.  We have been internet friends for so long, but she has proved to be the most true of any friends I've had in my life.  Although we are miles apart, sometimes we can just sense something is wrong and here comes the texts or the Facebook messages.  We also understand each other and know when we just need to simply vent about something.  We have laughed and cried together through so much.  We have so much in common yet have some opposites which makes this a beautiful friendship.

{4}I was stuck on a desert island I would want to be with this friend...Haha!!  We would live it up being stuck on a desert island.  Of course we would miss our husbands and kids, but we would probably make it out to be a vacation.  We are coastal girls who live for the ocean!  I'd make her do all the cooking though LOL  

{5}I think the best qualities in a friend are...Someone who looks at all points of views, listens to all sides, and gives the most honest advice even if it may touch a nerve at first.  Constant sugar coating, in my opinion, just means the friend is hiding what they really feel.  Crystal and I just seem to have this ability to give friendly, straight forward opinions.  We are opinionated people, but we also do know when to keep our opinions to ourselves...sometimes :) Another great quality is one who is true to your face AND behind your back.  I've had "friends" in my life say so many kind things to my face only to find out they said something bitter behind my back.  I have no worries with Crystal on that.  She knows if I am doing something stupid or being impulsive she can tell me in a mature way.

Happy List Tuesday

Happy List is hosted Mamarazzi so be sure to go check out her blog!

I am happy that my husband actually got me a card for Mother's Day!  He did make it special with just one card because knowing him, he put a lot of thought into finding that perfect card.  And our sons made me the sweetest cards as well.  I would post photos of the cards, but they are on my cell phone, and I am so technically challenged that I cannot figure out how to get them on here!

I am happy to have such wonderful sisters, and this is for my actual sisters and the ones I consider my sisters by heart.  Either way, they have been my best friends who can speak the hard truth or just help me laugh.  

I am happy that my husband is such a fantastic daddy to our two boys.  From a ride to the start to taking them around the block on their bikes, it always makes me happy he is always finding something for them to do together.  He has helped with taking them to doctor appointments when I was sick, taking our oldest to his Cub Scout meetings so I can finish dinner, and made certain to attend as many school events as possible.

And I am happy that as much as I really don't like our house, at least we do have a home of our own.  There are so many that are struggling to keep their homes or having to live with someone else.  I have walls to hang our photos, we have beds to sleep in, and a stove to cook.  For that, I am grateful and just happy we are able to live here as long as we can. 

  

  

Memorable Monday

Childhood, teenage years, adulthood---each phase in life is full of memories.  Many are lucky enough to remember things from when they were really young.  I am lucky to remember anything from the past twenty-four hours.  Still, that certain taste or smell or something will trigger a memory.  So, each Monday I have decided to dedicate as "Memorable Monday".

I have lived in this small town since the middle of my eighth grade year.  It is the longest I have ever lived anywhere.  The best memory I have is of Summer 1993 with my best friend at the time who I will just call by her initials, A.J.  A.J. was a very outgoing, determined, and rather pushy person.  Her house was about 3 miles from the school on the "main" stretch of "highway" that ran through this town.  It was a road with hills and curves.  A road some probably would not dare travel by back or walk.  We were teenagers who were daring and active--okay, A.J. was the most daring and active one.  

One hot summer day in June we were sitting around while her parents were at work.  We were bored and we had no vehicles of our own just yet.  But, she did have two bikes!  All we wanted to do was go swimming in the community pool, but were not patient enough to wait for our parents to get home from work.  We began the 3 mile journey to the pool by bike, only having to endure maybe one steep hill.  That was refreshing to our skin that was already blistering from the Texas heat and the sun's cruel rays.  For nearly every single day for two weeks we did this.  Hop on the bikes, endure the hill, swim for half a day, decide we were too tired to ride back, call either her mom or my mom to get us, and the next day started all over again.  After a couple weeks, something major happened to me----that is a story for next week's post :)

Summer 1993--Two weeks of it, I had a real tan, lost who knows how much weight, and looking back, I realize I was in much better shape back then.  Each time I drive down that road and smile at the memories of our determined and young minds.  A memory that I am sure I will treasure forever.

Life 365

At thirty-five years old, I have a forever evolving personality.  Most of it due to growing and learning.  Other times, always ready for a change--depending on my mood.  Yes, I am an indecisive person; however, that is starting to stabilize the older I get.  When it comes to my children and my marriage, I make myself come to a decision even if it takes me a while.  Some are quick to say I am impulsive and I jump to conclusions.  Little do they know how long I ponder and soak in whatever is happening around me.  There is nothing complex about me.  I do tend to keep many thoughts to myself depending on the situation.  If you are an honest person who knows how to be yourself then chances are we will get along.

Depending on the change, I do welcome it with a nervous smile.  Another trait that had to evolve considering at one time change discouraged me.  Now, I live for changes and challenges.  The inability to embrace changes and challenges in the past prevented me from holding a job.  My answer to it was just to simply run away, but with so many other things I have encountered in my life I feel as though I am now a stronger person.  After all, have to deal with changes and challenges in raising children and a marriage.  My mind has grown so accustomed to changes that routine is rather dull to me.  Still, have to find that balance between the two which is the welcoming challenge.

I have set goals for 2012.  I refuse to call them resolutions since those are usually broken.  I understand we are nearly half way through the year, but these are goals I have planned out for the past couple months:

1.  Find a job!  As much as I love being a stay at home mom, I do miss having a job and the interaction with other people.

2.  Keep doing photography no matter how tired I may feel.  I do have another blog dedicated to my photography, but since I have not used that in so long I will just use this one.  For the record, I do not consider myself a professional.  An aspiring amateur has a nice ring to it ;)

3.  Do more things together as a family.  We have before, but I feel we could always do more.  Taking our very first family vacation to Galveston was the biggest accomplishment.  Now, we have a dream of living closer to the coast.  That is a goal for at some point in the future.

4.  Go back to college, major in business, get that degree if I don't get that one job that I really have my eyes on.  I decided if I don't get the job that I really want, then I can always find one that will work around the class hours.  The job I have in my mind does have chances at advancement, although it is full time hours so I will not be able to go back to school.  Either way, I feel this will be a win-win situation.

5. Learn to cook better!  This is a work in progress for the past ten years I have been married.  My husband enjoys the food I cook.  Then again, he eats anything that don't eat him first.  Oh, one food I did succeed on getting him to eat is boneless pork chops!  He used to be anti-chops, but not anymore :)

6. Blog each day even if it may just be ramblings.

I believe that is a good start for now on the goals.  Not too challenging and some positive changes.  If I do not blog every single day, I will like to at least three times a week as time and life permits.